Get your tits out, everyone-it`s time for another round-up of the X Factor performances!
This week`s theme was "Guilty Pleasures," which is essentially a totally subjective, completely bullshit category that resulted in the judges inevitably squabbling over what defines a guilty pleasure and why certain artists were considered "guilty" in the foremost place. What a hoot.
More importantly, Cher Lloyd was officially AMAZING. Read on!
Starting off the dark was Paije Richardson with a non-rousing rendition of Chaka Khan`s "Ain`t Nobody." Call me a hater, but I simply don`t charge for Paije in the least. He`s got a good voice (technically speaking), but there`s simply nothing around him that appeals to me in the least: Not concerned in the sound, not concerned in his style, not concerned in his personality. He`s got nothing to bid me! I simply can`t. I`m sorry.
And then_John Adeleye-WHAT THE HAIR IS Passing ON HERE? Everything about this operation was a hot mess. Dannii nailed it with her criticism, slamming Louis` decision to add the schmaltzy So You Suppose You Can Dance? dancers in the ground while Cheryl came in with the assist, allowing Simon to render the last blow. Louis Walsh fails at life yet again: What else is new? I despised everything about this.
Rebecca Ferguson-or should I say Jessica Rabbit-once again rejected the brilliant lights and breakneck speed of X Factor for a smooth, jazzy powerhouse performance of "Why Don`t You Do Right?" that was once again tight, chic and solid. Rebecca, you absolutely slay me! (Even though the humble diva-in-the-making looked a bit loaded down with the mega makeup and an over-sized pink dress that gave her a large, unflattering side-ass.)
Love that she`s got the same hair as Chezza too!
AND So CAME THE ALMIGHTY LLOYD APPEARED AND THE Man STOPPED.
Cher came to the stageguns blazing with a massive, brilliant poof of red hair and baggy jeans, like the spicy chola lolita gangstress I ever cherished and required her to be. And so she opened her talk and blew the audience away and so she blew my judgment and so I blew my musical load.
Forget her past few performances: Not alone was her mash-up of Blackstreet`s "No Diggity" with Tears For Fears` "Shout" the BEST thing she`s done since her game changing audition, but it was literally one of the best X Factor performances I`ve always seen. EVER.
That wasn`t even a winner`s performance-that was a performance straight out of a national headlining tour! Seriously_watch this bull and so watch Paije`s performance. NO. FUCKING. COMPETITION.
FOUR FOR YOU, CHER LLOYD. YOU GO, CHER LLOYD!
And then Matt Cardle came out and-oh my God. OH. MY GOD. OH MY GOD.
He covered Godney`s "_Baby One More Time."
The moment those iconic lyrics fell from his lips, massive chills went through my torso and I began grinning like a madman. It was an absolutely S-T-E-L-L-A-R acoustic version of the song. And you know why? Because those who put their trust in the Holy Spearit will ever be blest with Cheetos and legendary performances.
Attention all Gleeks: THIS is how you properly cover a Britney Spears song.
The tweens of One Direction came waddling out on stage, panties wet, etc. etc. "He winked at me! He winked at me!" shrieked one convulsing tween standing between the racks of TopShop during their introductory video. Amazing.
And so the tweenyboppers sung Pink`s "Nobody Knows" (guilty pleasure? Really?), and they talk-sang over each other with their messy, non-harmonized tween voices but none of it really matters because they all vaguely resemble Justin Bieber if you squint your eyes. "You are my guilty pleasure!" Cheryl beamed as Simon silently clicked her ankle into a couple of handcuffs attached to the judge`s table. They`ll go through.
Treyc Cohen busted out a surprise choice of Led Zeppelin`s "Whole Lotta Love" (Guilty pleasure? REALLY?! that vaguely resembled an Alexandra Burke performance in that there was a lot of pomp and consideration for no substantial reason: DANCERS! FIRE! METAL!1! FLOOR! MORE FIRE!11!!!
She really must have minded it her all though, as she sounded like a squawking chicken in her post-performance interview with Dermot. Fitting, what with the bushels of freshly-plucked feathers resting on her shoulders.
Mary Byrnes, Queen of Hibernia and Blessed Tesco Angel, delivered yet again with her show-stopping rendition of one of my favorites, "I (Who Take Nothing)." (GUILTY PLEASURE? REALLY?!)
Was it sort of just the same performance as last week? Well, yes. Should she switch up the song selection a bit? Probably, yes. But was it incredible and amazing? YES, A 1000 TIMES YES. Inspiring "real women" everywhere (Thank you, Cheryl?), Mary`s going to be in this one for the long haul. Thank God.
Aiden Grimshaw was pensive and acute as per usual, which is usually RAYHT UP MAY STREET. "Diamonds Are Forever" is another favorite song for me. I approve of the whole thing, just not overwhelmingly so. IT WAS JUST AIIGHT FOR ME.
Belle Amie whipped out a covering of a cover (Girls Aloud`s "I`ll Abide By You," originally by The Pretenders) While I didn`t get their operation to be all that special (or sound different from the Aloud`s), it virtually gave Cheryl the vapors (SHOCKING): "It`s very sentimental to me_I just wanted to be up singing up there!" *Insert Nicola, Kimberley, and Sarah`s head slowly creeping out from behind her chair.*
But before Girls Aloud could reunite, Simon and Louis quickly launched into their bi-monthly love quarrel: Louis accused Simon of not caring about Belle Amie and focus all his vitality on One Direction instead, while Simon called Louis a nasty bitchy cunt-face something or other (well warranted, by the way.)
As I`ve said every week, I absolutely loathe Louis Walsh. I scarcely like that he would vanish into the pop stratosphere with the relief of his shit acts. (Mary being the obvious exception. I digress.
Wagner performed the Spice Girls` "Spice Up Your Spirit" and Ricky Martin`s "Livin La Vida Loca," hereby becoming the Diva Fever of the show. Sadly the `hilariously bad` shtick has been beaten to death ever since William Hung in 2004, so now it`s time for Wagner to claim his last bow.
He seems like a really nice man, but_come on.
Ending off the nighttime came alleged drama queen Katie Waissel, who sang "I Wanna Be Like You" from The Jungle Book.
It was nice, I guess. My job with Katie is that she just feels so extraneous: We already have Diana Vickers and Ellie Goulding. We have Christina Aguilera and Gwen Stefani and Madonna. What precisely does she offer as a lesser version of any of these acts? I simply don`t see the point_especially if the diva rumors are to be believed.
And so those were the performances-most of which were pretty fucking good. So draw on that, Elton John.
FOR THE WIN: Girls: Cher Over 28′s: Mary Boys: Matt Groups: Belle Amie
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